You can’t outsource empathy. Respect is not something you can delegate. Trust is not transferable. Listening is not something you can pretend to do.

Let me start with this:

The only way we can express the worth of our own opinions is by overtly valuing the opinions of others.

Too many times I observe people sitting on the edge of their seats just waiting for a break in the conversation, or waiting until the other person pauses for breath, to jump in with whatever is on their mind.

This is not active listening. It is not respectful. The more you talk the less you learn. If you’ve not learned, you can’t build trust while you’re spewing forth your opinion.

If you are one of these early jumpers, it only demonstrates that you are not really interested in what the other person has to say. You think that you know better. You don’t have time to consider what the other person has said, nor do you have time to consider your response in the context of what they just said. It is both disrespectful and ineffective. It removes the opportunity to empathize with another perspective.

It may well be that the other person is less informed, only knows some of the pertinent factors, is lacking core knowledge or that their opinion is not fully thought through. But how do you know? The purpose of conversation, discussion, debate and collaboration is to enrich each perspective.

Remember, before you change someone’s mind, you have to get inside it. If you keep an open mind, then you might realize that you don’t need to change their mind at all.

A HiPPO In The Room

This problem gets worse when the person doing the interrupting is the most senior person in the room. That’s what can happen when there is a HiPPO in the room. (HiPPO is the Highest Paid Person’s Opinion) There is nothing that stifles creativity and crushes collaboration more than the most senior person in the room being overly forceful in expressing his or her opinion before others have had the opportunity to fully air their views.

HiPPOs need to pay particular attention to the impact of their presence in a meeting and threshold of trust and comfort that they need to overcome. If they value the contribution of others, they need to leave space, guide through their own questioning, and listen intently to the answer to see what they themselves can learn. Everyone has value to contribute – otherwise you have the wrong people in the room. It may not be that you are smarter – it might just be that you are more confident and secure in your position because of your seniority. You will never know whether others have valuable insights to bring to the conversation if you shut down the conversation early.

Empathy and active listening matter. If you don’t listen to the end – you don’t know what you have yet to learn.

I remember many years ago when my daughter, then 5 years old, came home from school and told me she was going to be a shepherd in the school Christmas play. Usually she would be excited about going on stage, but this time I sensed only moderate excitement. When I asked how she was selected to be a shepherd, she responded “Well, the teacher asked who wanted to be shepherds, and me and Alice put our hands up, but, but, but, how were we supposed to know there were going to be angels?”

When someone stops talking, it does not mean they have told you everything they are thinking, or that they have said all they want to say. It just might be that they need to pause to formulate their next thought. If you jump in immediately and make a statement or express an opinion, but don’t leave adequate space in the conversation, you are missing out on an opportunity to learn, and signaling to them that you are not interested in their opinion.

Leaving space in a conversation for follow on comments or questions may illuminate areas that you did not even know were in the shade.

The old adage of “You have two ears and one mouth – so you should use them in that proportion” is truly valuable. But if you have one ear on the left side of your head, and one on the right, you should be balanced.

Balance, patience, listening and empathy are the true signs of inner confidence and external respect.

And everyone deserves respect.

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Donal Daly is Executive Chairman of Altify having founded the company in 2005. He is author of numerous books and ebooks including the Amazon #1 Best-sellers Account Planning in Salesforce and Tomorrow | Today: How AI Impacts How We Work, Live, and Think. Altify is Donal’s fifth global business enterprise.